On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
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