I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
