I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
