Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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