apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
