eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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