you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
