with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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