you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
