Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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