My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
