So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
