I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Randomize
