Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Randomize
