jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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