I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
