my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
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woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
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Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
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