The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
