she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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