I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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