do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
