Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
