so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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