I swear she didn't look like that last week.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
