you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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