i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
