I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
People in love make me want to vomit
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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