I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Randomize
