It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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