I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
