Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
So many bounce houses so little time
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
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