I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Randomize
