based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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