her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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