I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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