Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
