My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
