stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
