Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
