i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
