he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
