does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
