my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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