Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
