so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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