the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
