I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
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The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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