I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He called his prostate his "boner button".
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
