I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
