i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
