i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
