Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
