okay pat passed out under dana's car
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
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I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
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I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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