just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
