We need to rekindle our bromance
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
