I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
