Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
