I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
