I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
