You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
