Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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